Hope for the Estranged Family

My siblings have not spoken to each other in about eight years. 

We have lived eight years of separate holidays…

Separate birthdays…

Separate, parallel events in our lives. 

I sincerely love each member of my family. I seek to stay in a connected relationship with each one. I seek to continue to be a safe, trustworthy presence in their lives. I also seek to share the truth in love.

But this extended season of estrangement among my siblings wears on me. And there is no promise that it may ever end on this side of Heaven. 

Estrangement has become prevalent in our world today. So many relationships have shifted to limited or no contact. Perhaps you have a family member who has chosen to leave their relationship with you? Or they left another relative in search of peace? That action can leave everyone affected reeling, searching for truth to hold in the midst of uncertainty.

Here are some thoughts as you seek truth in this experience.

1. Pray. Ceaselessly. Pray for those who are estranged. Pray for those left behind. Pray that the gap they face diminishes, if that is God’s will. Pray for those involved to find safe, trustworthy spaces and people to process their decisions. They need support and love, regardless of the situation. In Thessalonians 5:13-21, Paul writes:

“…Be at peace among yourselves. ¹⁴ And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. ¹⁵ See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. ¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray without ceasing, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. ¹⁹ Do not quench the Spirit. ²⁰ Do not despise prophecies, ²¹ but test everything; hold fast what is good.”

James 5:16 says:

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” 

2. Evaluate your feelings. Check them against God’s word. As someone affected by estrangement, it is so easy to feel strongly and become stuck in that feeling. That is not what we are called to. God designed our feelings as a means of detection. Take notice of how you feel. Take time and allow it to happen – cry, journal, go on a hike to exert yourself and process those feelings. Share with a trusted friend or counselor who will guide you through the feelings. And through all of that, seek the Lord for yourself. Check yourself against the word of God. Gain perspective beyond your personal point of view.  

Remember, our emotions are gauges, not guides. Let them tell you where you need to seek the Lord, then find His promises and truth in the Bible. Proverbs 3:5-6 applies here.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Jeremiah 17:7-10 says:

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? “I the Lord search the heart and test the mind,^[b] to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds.” 

3. Consider those who have left with empathy. They left for a reason. Regardless of your feelings on the matter, it clearly meant enough to them to choose to leave a relationship they once valued. That is important and needs to be heard and acknowledged. Were there safety concerns? Abuse? Emotional manipulation? Those are all possibilities that need to be addressed, among others.

Estrangements happen as a result of sinful decisions and actions. That doesn’t mean that all people in estranged relationships are living in sin, but any threat to their safety is a result of sin. 

Recognize that you cannot possibly know each detail of why. But you can see the person behind the choices made. Time and again, the Bible points us to choose relationship over rules. 2 Corinthians 13:11 says,

“Finally, brothers, rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.” 

You may not understand or agree with each detail, but you can choose to care for each human being in the midst of their choices. 

4. Finally, remember Who holds the world in His hands. 

Music speaks to my heart. I’ll leave you with part of the song I have on repeat lately, Remember by Bryan and Katie Torwalt. 

“How quickly we forget the God Who lives in every day. How easy to lose sight that You reside in the mundane. How quickly we forget the power that’s running through our veins. The kind of power that empties graves.

And oh my soul, remember who you’re talking to. The only one who death bows to. That’s the God who walks with you.

And oh my soul, you know that if He did it then He can do it all again. His power can still raise the dead.

Don’t tell me that He’s finished yet.”

The same God who welcomed the prodigal son home can renew our broken relationships. He can heal the wounds we inflict on one another.  And until the day I see all broken relationships restored, I’ll lean on the God who restores my soul.

Leah Honnen is a wife, momma, and infertility warrior living in Jacksonville, IL. She is a homemaker and volunteers at her church, but loves spending time fixing up her pre-1920s home with her husband, John. Leah writes on the lessons she continues to learn in daily life – through infertility, motherhood, music, friendships, and more on Instagram @leahhonnen. 
You can find more of Leah's posts on the PriorityNow Blog here.